You know what I like?
I like people a lot.
Especially ones who are real and fun and vulnerable.
Today I discovered Beth (–isn’t it funny how with blogs you can just “discover” people’s lives like you discover cute throw pillows and good-smelly soap at Target?) at Five Kids Is A Lot Of Kids. Well anyway, I kind of fell in love. And now I kind of want to leave creepy comments all over her page like I am a long-time friend she doesn’t remember and see if I can score an invite to dinner at her place (hear that, Beth? Not kidding, I’ll really come. Bribery. Would bribery help?… I’ll bring brownies or steamed broccoli or some of those new throw pillows from Target??… Anything?…). I want to witness first hand the fun, messy, chaos and honesty she writes about, and bask in her hilarious presence.
She’s got a pretty amazing wealth of experience, but even more than that– she’s just got a lot of courage.
Courage to talk about everything, to celebrate the messy and let people into the unpolished, totally not perfect reality of life.
And the fact is- I think we just really need that.
At least I do.
I need more real and vulnerable and funny because I have real questions and vulnerable doubts and pretty dang hilarious glories and goof-ups.
And sometimes, with all those questions and doubts and glorious goofs, I’m lonely.
From what I gather, I’m not alone in my loneliness. Mamas get real lonely. Daddies, too. Parenting is beautiful bliss and crazy chaos, and sometimes it just real, live, piercing lonely too.
Sometimes it’s because I want to know….Am I screwing it all up?
And sometimes it’s because I want to share….Did you see that?! I did great! And my kid is so great!
And sometimes it’s because I’m tired of thinking about parenting….. More like I need coffee. And Jesus. And decorating and clothes and bodies and birthday gifts for gram and organic spelt and hiking and broken bones and school memories and crazy drivers and, and, and…..
And I just need a friend.
A real and vulnerable and funny one.
And then sometimes this really great thing happens – Somebody comes over to visit! A real, live, human friend!
And I’m so excited for adult interaction and coffee and fun, real, vulnerable conversation….
And then I choke. I get scared of talking.
I get so freaking scared of talking about anything real. Anything vulnerable.
I don’t know why, exactly….but I know there’s fear in it. Fear of judgement, of losing some imaginary control over people thinking I’ve got my stuff together. Fear of thinking out loud and finding out it’s a stupid thought before I even finish my sentence. So I get all flustered and funny and shut down my heart and close up my courage and sit there with this deeply-craved friend wasting the whole time to connect, breathe….LIVE.
And folks, that doesn’t work. No kidding- don’t try the not breathing or the not living because that’s called death and death is a not-so-good-result.
But the not-so-funny truth is- not connecting is death, too.
We need connection. And in order to get it- we need the real, the vulnerable, the courage.
I loved her today.
I needed her courage today.
I need, I think, these almost constant reminders to be brave, connect.
To not shrink, or just talk about and write about the easy, cleaned up, cut-and-dry stuff.
I want this blog to be part of changing the world. …. But I also think I need this blog to change me. Or maybe not to change but to challenge me, and invite me and grow me and connect me.
Connect me to REAL, VULNERABLE and FUN people…..including myself.